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100 Nerd Jokes For Smart People

Do you like to laugh AND solve riddles? Here is a huge collection of jokes and funny nerdy questions. Let’s see how much of these you get… are you a real nerd?

Let’s start with 50 funny nerd questions to get you started.

50 nerdy questions and answers

The first round of 10 to warm you up

1. Why Can’t You Trust Atoms?
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They make up everything.
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2. What Do You Get When You Cross a Cow With an Octopus?
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A meeting with the ethics committee and the swift removal of your research funding.
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3. Where Does Bad Light End Up?
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In prism.
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4. What’s Another Name for Santa’s Elves?
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Subordinate Clauses.
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5. What Does A Subatomic Duck Say?
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Quark.
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Subatomic duck
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6. Why Does a Burger Have Less Energy Than a Steak?
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Because a burger is in it’s ground state.
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7. How Many Microsoft Engineers Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
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None. They just change the standard to darkness.
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8. What Does a Proud Computer Call His Little Son?
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A microchip off the old block.
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9. Why Is Beer Never Served at a Math Party?
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Because you can’t drink and derive.
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10. Why Did the Programmer Use the Entire Bottle of Shampoo During One Shower?
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Because the bottle said “Lather, Rinse, Repeat.”
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Well, 10 solved, 40 to go

11. What Did Argon Do When Copper Insulted Him?
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Argon had no reaction.
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12. Why Do Accountants Make Good Lovers?
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They’re really good with figures.
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13. What’s the Difference Between a Cat and a Comma?
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One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.
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14. What Did E.T.’s Mother Say to Him When He Got Home?
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Where on Earth have you been?!
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15. Why Do Teenagers Only Travel in Groups of Three?
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Because they can’t even.
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16. What is a cation afraid of?
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Dogions
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17. Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
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Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
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18. Why did the bear dissolve in water?
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It was polar.
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19. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
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None. It’s a hardware problem.
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20. Why did I divide Sin by Tan?
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Just Cos.
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Got it? Try out the next batch of 10

21. How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
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Two – one to hold the light bulb and one to rotate the universe.
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22. What do you call an educated tube?
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A graduated cylinder.
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23. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
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24. How do you know the moon is going broke?
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It’s down to its last quarter.
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25. What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
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Beer
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26. What will my computer printer warranty cover?
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Your mouse pad.
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27. What is a physicist’s favorite food?
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Fission chips.
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28. What do you call two crows on a branch?
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Attempted murder.
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29. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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A fish.
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30. Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea?
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Because all proper tea is theft.
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Having a blast? Here are 10 more

31. There are two kittens on a sloped roof. Which one slides of first?
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The one with the lowest mew.
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32. How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
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Ten-tickles.
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33. What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his foot?
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Mitosis!
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34. How many ears does Mr. Spock have?
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The left ear, the right ear and the final front ear.
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35. Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
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Classical conditioning
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36. Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
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Na
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37. What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
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HeHe
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38. Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses?
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Because they don’t C#
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39. What is the chemical formula for “banana”?
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BaNa2
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40. What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
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One molar solution.
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You should be an expert by now, the final 10 questions

41. What’s object-oriented way to become wealthy?
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Inheritance.
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42. What do you call a programmer from Finland?
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Nerdic.
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43. What do computers and air conditions have in common?
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They’re both become useless when you open windows.
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44. What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
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A ferrous wheel
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45. Why did the computer go to the dentist?
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Because it had Bluetooth.
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46. Why did the computer go to the dentist?
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Because it had Bluetooth.
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47. Why accountants don’t read novels?
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Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
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48. What element is a girl’s future best friend?
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Carbon.
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49. What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
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He didn’t count with this…
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50. What does the ‘B’ in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for?
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Benoit B Mandelbrot.
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To relax your brain, here are 50 nerdy jokes

51. An engineer is walking down the street and sees another guy from his lab walking along with a new bright red motorcycle. He’s impressed, especially since his friend doesn’t know how to ride a motorcycle, so he goes up and asks, “Wow, where’d you get that?”
His friend explains, “Well, I walk walking along, and this gorgeous blond drives up on the motorcycle, stops in front of me, strips her clothes off and tells me, ‘Take what you want!'”
The engineer nods in understanding. “Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

52. A Roman Walks Into a Bar and Asks for a Martinus
“Don’t you mean a martini?” asks the bartender.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for one!”

53. I’m Reading a Book on Anti-Gravity
I can’t put it down.

Book Nerd
Get this design here

54. There Are Two Types of People in the World
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

55. A Wife Sends Her Software Engineer Husband to the Store
“Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six!”
Later, the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him why he bought six cartons of milk and he replied, “They had eggs.”

56. Did You Know There’s a Band Called 1023MB?
They’re not bad, but they haven’t had any gigs yet.

57. A Mathematician, a Biologist, and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First, they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist: “The measurement wasn’t accurate.”. The Biologist: “They have reproduced”. The Mathematician: “If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again.”

58. To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

59. An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”

The universe is made out of protons, neutrons, electrons, and morons
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60. The universe is made out of protons, neutrons, electrons, and morons.

Got them all? Here are 10 more.

61. A Biologist, a Chemist, and a Statistician Are Out Hunting
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left.
The chemist shoots at the same deer and misses five feet to the right.
The statistician shouts, “We got him!”

62. Two Antennas Met on a Roof, Fell in Love and Got Married
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

63. Have You Heard About the Sick Chemist?
If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, you’ll probably have to barium.

64. A Photon Is Checking Into a Hotel
The bellhop asks him, “Do you have any luggage?”
The photon replies, “Nope, I’m traveling light.”

65. There are only two hard things in computer science – cache invalidation, naming things and off-by-one errors.

66. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He’s 0k now.

67. I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

68. C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

69. My teacher said to me, “Name two pronouns.”
I said, “Who, me?”

70. Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar and doesn’t.

Got some breath for more?

71. Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him if he wants a drink?
Descartes says, “I think not” and then he disappears.

72. A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, “Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it.”
The neutron says “Are you sure?”
The proton replies “I’m positive.”

73. Two students talk:
“What are you reading?”
“Quantum physics theory book.”
“But why are you reading it upside-down?”
“It makes no difference anyway.”

74. If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.

75. 3 Database SQL walked into a NoSQL bar.
A little while later they walked out because they couldn’t find a table.

76. 0 is false and 1 is true, right?
1

77. Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?
It went OK

78. What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?
He was booked for a salt and battery.

79. A programmer had a problem.
He decided to use Java.
He now has a ProblemFactory.

80. Infinity mathematicians came to a bar.
The first one ordered 1 glass of beer, the second a half, the third a quarter…
The barman interrupted them: “Assholes, here are 2 beers!”

And another round

81. Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide and seek.
Einstein is it, closes his eyes, counts to 10, then opens them.
Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand.
He’s sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to a side.
Einstein says: “Newton, you’re terrible, I’ve found you!”
Newton says: “No no, Einy. You’ve found one Newton per square meter. You’ve found Pascal!”

82. Queue is just Q followed by 4 silent letters.
They aren’t silent. They’re waiting for their turn.

83. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers, and says: “Five beers, please”

five beer
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84. If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.

85. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

86. “Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Engineers believe that “if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet”

87. A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:
“What do we want?”
“Time travel”
“When do we want it?”
“Irrelevant.”

88. A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot and asks him what he sees. The patient says: “A man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: “That’s also a man and woman making love.” The psychoanalyst says: “You are obsessed with sex.” The patient says: “What do you mean I’m obsessed? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures.”

89. There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

90. A statistician gave birth to twins but only had one of them baptized. She kept the other as a control.

And the last 10 nerd jokes

91. The First Law of Thermodynamics states:
Matter cannot be created nor destroyed… unless it meets Chuck Norris.

92. Helium walks into a bar.
The bartender says “We don’t serve noble gasses in here.”
Helium doesn’t react.

93. The first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club.

94. Entropy isn’t what it used to.

95. If you’re not part of the solution…
You’re part of the precipitate.

96. My friend Power has been stressed all week. His boss keeps making him work overtime.
(P=W/T)

H2o nerd riddle
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97. Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says, “I’ll have some H20.”
The second one says, “I’ll have some H20 too.”
The second one dies.

98. A logician’s wife is having a baby. Straight after the birth, the doctor hands the baby to the father. The wife asks impatiently, “Is it a boy or a girl?”
The logician replies, “Yes.”

99. A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says, “I’m sorry, we don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.”
The Higgs Boson says, “But how can you have mass without me?”

100. Heisenberg is pulled over by a cop who asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Heisenberg replies, “No, but I know where I am.”

Done. So how did you do? Don’t be upset if you didn’t get all of them. You can’t just be a specialist in every field. Share these with your fellow nerds and keep on smiling.

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